wo years ago it was released online that Hollywood was planning on taking the classic Hasbro board game Battleship
and turn it into a movie. It was met with nothing but laughs and jeers at what a horrible film that would turn out to be. It also launched rumors, some of which have been confirmed, that other classic board games like Ouija, Monopoly
are getting turned into movies to follow. Everyone was expecting the worst from Battleship
, there was no way it could live up to the awful hype. I'm here to tell you that not only did it live up to it but it surpassed it.
Director Peter Berg has made some damn good films. Very Bad Things, Friday Night Lights, The Kingdom
are all excellent and impressive feats considering that they're each three different genres that he tackled (literally in one case) flawlessly. Granted he made Hancock
, but for the most part Berg is known as someone who makes quality films. Why he would ever lend his name to something so epically embarassing as Battleship
is beyond me.
You may ask yourself why the movie about battleships warring in open water would ever be about aliens trying to destroy Earth. That's a great question and I can't answer it for you. The plot for Battleship
is as bad as it gets. It's the kind of scipt that you wouldn't believe if you hadn't seen with your own eyes. It gets so bad that toward the end of the film the US Navy finds themselves out of battleships (yes, I know how silly that sounds) and their last resort is the USS Missiouri, which is a 70-year-old floating museum in Hawaii. The survivng cast members must then get the entire ship in shape for killing off the aliens in less than three hours because that's when the world ends, but the catch is that none of the know how to operate the antique ship. Their solution is...and I couldn't make this up if I tried...to find old veterans to help them run the ship and go to battle. Yup.
Even more silly is that there is indeed a scene where the actors are looking at an electronic grid that has pictures of battleships on it and they're saying lines like, "B4" and "E2" in hopes to shoot missiles to hit the enemy. It was so on-the-nose that I wanted to stand up in the theater and scream out to everyone, "How is no one else laughing at this?!"
The FX are as impressive, bloated and expensive as they come and Berg executes with the douchey precision of Michael Bay. Battleship
continues to double down on itself as a film with goofy story plots and the disgusting budget to back it all up. Battleship
will make plenty of money and I'm sure some people will even find it entertaining, but what it does to Peter Berg's reputation as a director is very difficult to repair. This is one Battleship
that should have been sunk before it got to this point.
Battleship (Rated PG-13)
Gavin Grade: F