Here are the 11 juiciest secrets about "Saved By The Bell" Screech reveals in his autobiography:
1. Dustin Diamond has a large penis and has used it to have sex with more than 2,000 women, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland. Diamond's sales pitch for this book, it seems, is: "As wholesome as 'Saved by the Bell' appeared on screen, the exact opposite was happening behind the scenes, and I'm broke and desperate enough to sell everyone out and tell you about it."
2. Mario Lopez raped a girl, and NBC paid her hush money. Definitely the most damning accusation in the book... but one that Diamond doesn't hedge (like many of the upcoming points). He flat-out says that Mario Lopez "lured [a girl] back to his pad... and was forced to have sex against her will."
NBC's lawyers stepped in to maintain the image of its clean teen stars, though, and paid the girl to be quiet. "And my understanding," Diamond writes, "is that it wasn't a boatload of cash, either, somewhere around fifty grand."
3. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen cheated on the actor who played Johnny Dakota simultaneously with Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Thiessen comes off pretty poorly in the book. In this instance, Diamond discusses the famous anti-drug "SBTB" episode -- the one where a movie star named Johnny Dakota shows up to film an anti-drug PSA but then tries to get the crew to use drugs... and they stand up to him. Apparently, Thiessen was dating Eddie Garcia, the actor who played Johnny Dakota.
But, little did he know, Diamond says, she was having sex with both of the other male leads of "SBTB" under his nose. In fact, he says, for the entire week of that episode, Thiessen was sneaking off, right under his nose, going from one guy's dressing room to the other's. Garcia eventually found out and ended things, because, it turns out, he was nothing like his character and was the most "steadfast dude you'd ever want to meet."
4. During the "No Hope With Dope" episode, the cast members were all smoking weed in their dressing rooms. Diamond doesn't reveal that much about the drugs floating around the cast, but does say that "the 'No Hope With Dope' episode ended up being a huge hit ... I just can't help but think of all the off-camera drinking and recreational drug use being indulged in by the cast members during that time ... I could even smell a certain 'smoke' wafting from the crack beneath Tiffani's dressing room.".
5. Elizabeth Berkley also did both Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar... but only once Tiffani-Amber Thiessen was done. Berkley doesn't get a ton of ink in the book -- you almost perceive that Diamond has sympathy for her post-"SBTB" career being almost entirely a spiral of slut/hooker roles spurred by her decision to do "Showgirls".
He does, however, mention that, once Thiessen was done with Lopez and Gosselaar, Berkley decided she wanted to get with both of them too. He says "there was a desperation to [her] ho'ing, like she had a lot of catching up to do."
6. Lark Voorhies then did them as sloppy thirds. According to Diamond, it took years for "Lisa Turtle to come out of her shell" (and I give him a point for that pun)... and when she finally did, she took her requisite turn on the Lopez/Gosselaar ride.
7. When Lark Voorhies was engaged to Martin Lawrence, he abused her (at a minimum verbally).Diamond suggests that Martin Lawrence did something to make Voorhies even more reclusive and non-communicative.
8. Dustin Diamond had sex with NBC's VP of children's programming, Linda Mancuso. Diamond doesn't go into too much detail about his other 1,999 sexual partners, but one of the NBC executives who oversaw "SBTB" gets almost an entire chapter.
Mancuso was 18 years older than Diamond but, he says, from the moment they met she treated him like an equal. Eventually, as he got older, that turned into a sexual relationship.
9. Mark-Paul Gosselaar confessed to the cast that he took steroids before "Saved by the Bell: The College Years".10. Ed "Max" Alonzo used to get gay with Neil Patrick Harris while they talked about magic. Alonzo played the mostly useless character of Max (owner of The Max) during the early years of "SBTB". Max would always do magic on the show, which corresponded to Alonzo being a magician in real life.
Well... Neil Patrick Harris has always been a big fan of magic. (Now, as an adult, he's on the board of LA's famous Magic Castle... and all the magic that Barney does on "How I Met Your Mother" is inspired by Harris's real-life skills.)
So, according to Diamond, "[Alonzo] wound up spending a lot of time with Harris. A lot of time. For a while they were inseparable, going away to perform magic together, conjuring their mystical spells of enchantment. It wasn't until years later that Neil Patrick Harris announced he was gay."
11. Executive producer Peter Engel used to have bisexual threesomes with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Mark-Paul Gosselaar in his office. And why not, right?
According to Diamond, Engel was a former cocaine user and Hollywood party scene guy who saw the light and became a born-again Christian. As the showrunner for "SBTB" he banned swearing on set, and refused to let Bayside High be anything short of a utopia that was as clean as Singapore and pure as Walton's Mountain. (It's why there was never an episode that broached the topic of teen sex.)