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Gavin Grades The Movies

Valentine's Day

I live my life by only a few rules.  These rules were passed down to me from generations that came before me and should never be doubted.  One of those rules is "If Ashton Kutcher is in a movie, there's a really good chance that it's going to be awful."  It's good to know that that rule continues to be true.  Valentine's Day was directed by Gary Marshall, who I happen to respect a lot.  He's given us good movies like Pretty Woman, Frankie and Johnny and The Lottery.  He's also given us crap like Runaway Bride and The Other Sister.  Valentine's Day is an example of how a respected man who has lived and operated in Hollywood for the past 40 years can assemble a dream cast of all-stars and still have a movie that ends up in his crap column.  Besides Kutcher in the movie you also get to see Julia Roberts, Patrick Dempsey, Jennifer Gardner, Kathy Bates, Hector Elizondo, Jessica Biel, Bradley Cooper, Taylor Launter (no, he does not take his shirt off or turn into a wolf) and Jamie Foxx just to name a few.  (Note to Jamie Foxx: getting a tattoo on your head was probably the worst idea you've ever had.  We can see it through your hair and I can't buy you in any role now other than the egomaniacal character known as Jamie Foxx.)  Those are just SOME of the stars in this movie.  You can't swing a dead cat without hitting one.  The sad part is that with a cast this impressive you still have a horrible, lousy movie.  The script was written by three women which is surprising because there's no story.  It's about one day, Valentine's Day of course, in L.A. and little stories about all these different couples and how they intertwine and interact with each other.  Imagine a Guy Ritchie movie like Snatch if it was about romantic relationships and didn't suck.  I'm a fan of the multi-character, interweaving story but if you're gonna do that, don't set it in Los Angeles.  Now, I've never lived there but after watching this movie I didn't realize that it was as small, intimate and safe as Grover's Corner.  I didn't realize that there's only one high school and you run into people you know or just met all the time in the course of one day.  The glaring lack of detail in the story-lines is hilarious!  (Eric Dane is in it as a Quarterback for an NFL team, yet L.A. has no NFL team...just one example)  To top it all off, there's nothing NOT predictable and cliche about this movie.  That's because it's every romantic comedy you've ever seen mashed up in one film and performed with the brevity of Cliff Notes.  The beautiful part about this movie is that it's going to make an assload of cash just because it's called Valentine's Day and it comes out on Valentine's Day.  Be warned though: the movie doesn't ooze romanticism or make you feel all mushy.  It doesn't make you laugh without insulting your intelligence.  And it doesn't do anything, and I mean NOTHING, to make you feel like going to see Valentine's Day on Valentine's Day was a good idea.  Chances are if you're someone who really likes to celebrate this holiday with your love, you'll leave the theater wishing you did pretty much anything else instead.  Save yourself the $20 and over 2 hour runtime (yes, you read that right) and think of another romantic idea for the date.  You'll be glad you did. Valentine's Day (Rated PG-13) Gavin Grade: D-

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02/11/2010 6:36PM
Valentine's Day
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02/12/2010 4:23AM
Hey Gavin! Just wondering how I would go about trying to win free tickets to Shutter Island if I do not have outlook? Thanks
02/12/2010 5:16AM
Click on that link in the blog
02/18/2010 1:54PM
you were kinda harsh on the movie! it wasn't THAT bad! it lived up to exactly what it was supposed to be: 2 hours of escapism romantic comedy where you leave feeling a little happier about the world than when you got there! it shouldn't win a single darnaward, but the world would be a boring place if all movies were massive achievements of award caliber!
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